Self Loathing No More!

WARNING:  This post may be sad to hear at the front end, it DOES become very positive and encouraging at the end!  This is also a long one.....read on if you have the patience it will take.


Do you have a hard time with yourself?  Do you participate in negative self talk?  Well, I have for years and the time has come to put a stop to it!!


This weekend has been a great one for me as I have learned a few things about myself at our women's retreat, and it's all about self-loathing.  I have been a self-loather since childhood.  Hearing other kids make fun of your hair, your weight, your clothes, and your personality has that affect on a little girl.  Growing up in a dysfunctional family only adds to that since I didn't get much affirmation and love from those who it would have meant the most from.  Then being in relationship with a couple of people who just all of a sudden turn their back on you and reject you has a profound affect on your sense of worth.  Sadly, I haven't been strong enough to not let all of these things whittle away at my sense of who I am.


So this weekend I have learned that this self-loathing is really a sin because it hurts everyone around me.  How might you ask?  Well, it hurts my hubby.  He is THE BEST hubby I know, and I have been hurting him and our relationship all these years by not accepting his compliments.  When he says "You're beautiful," I say very quickly, "Yeah, right!"  When he wants to see my body and enjoy it, I want to desperately hide it.  When he wants to spend time with me and enjoy my company, I am focused on how horrible I think I am.  Sad isn't it?


I believe it also hurts my precious kids.  Instead of having a clear mind and heart ready to tackle our day together, I bring a lot of baggage to our everyday tasks.  I don't have as much patience because I have been beating myself up all day and feel pretty horrible about myself.  That in turns makes me edgy, inpatient, and overloaded.....this breaks my heart the most!  It also means I am hurting inside, and when you are hurting inside, that does affect your day.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I love my boys and we have more wonderful days than we have bad ones, but I don't want anymore bad ones due to my self-loathing.  


Next, I believe it hurts my friends.  I have built a castle wall (complete with a moat, alligators, and more) around my heart because I have believed I am not good enough, no one could ever love me, I have nothing to offer, surely they will see the "real" me and reject me like two others did.  This wall has pushed those dearest to me aside.  It has led to mistrust, me not reaching out, me not being able to freely and completely love my friends like I want to.  You see, I love DEEPLY and I also hurt deeply.  While I have a tremendous heart for others, I can't get past my wall.  Picture me on the inside of this wall jumping up to try and see over it once in a while.  I can yell "I love you" to my friends, but that is a limited love.  I haven't been able to share it and show it and act it out as much as I would have wanted to because I am behind this wall....that I have built....that is being torn down as we speak (Ok, as I speak and you listen).


Finally, it has affected my relationship with the Lord.  It is funny.  I haven't ever doubted God's love and acceptance for me.  That has always been an easy one.  I simply look around at my life and the ways God has carried and blessed and loved me, and I just know because I know because I know I am loved and accepted.  However, with this huge wall around me, I haven't been able to reach out to those God has wanted me to reach out to.  I haven't been able to fully love and minister to and embrace His children.  It is the weirdest feeling to have so much love and passion in your heart for others all the while you feel an intense pain from it because it longs to come out in tangible ways and wants to be showered upon others.  (NOTE: If you are one of my dear friends or family, here is where you listen....I am sorry for not tearing this wall down sooner. I am sorry for living behind it and not choosing to break free from this!  I am sorry for the pain it might have caused you over the years.  Please forgive me.)  Lastly, this wall has not enabled me to use my gifting and that heart for people that God has placed in my heart in ministry.  I have always felt like there was more to what God wanted me to do, but I have felt stifled by this wall of self-loathing.  I just didn't ever consider it a choice and a sin that I could turn away from.


I don't want to carry around this HUGE baggage....this ball and chain....this heaviness of heart.....this oppression called self-loathing.  I believe that by taking off this burden, I will break free of it and live a much lighter, more joyful, more peaceful, and more prosperous life.  I have built this wall, I have CHOSEN to sit behind it and sit on the sidelines.  I never knew it was an option until this weekend.  I am actively choosing to break this wall down with the Lord's help and replace it with something else.....  I have to learn to fight the good fight even in this.  Choosing to not talk negatively to and about myself will be a challenge as it has become a part of who I am.  Choosing to believe what others say about me will prove to be an even bigger challenge.  Retraining and renewing my mind, deciding to choose another path, deciding to break this wall down and no longer simply peer over the edge of it I trust will prove to be one of the best decisions in my life.


If you are a self-loather like I have been, I pray that you, too, will see how you can choose to turn away from it and choose to begin loving yourself and others in order that you can become all who God created you and wants you to be.

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:2)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  Philippians 4:8

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  John 8:32

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.  Romans 12:1